I'm really conflicted and I don't know what to do anymore.

You know what this feels like,

it feels like this song.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_famhCXg36A&feature=related

Every second beat feels like my soul merging and splitting apart, over and over.
One (whole)
Two (split)
Three (whole)
Four (split)

Peace, relaxation, oneness

Boom, split.

I'm together, I'm apart, I'm together, I'm apart

and it doesn't stop after 4 minutes and 50 seconds, it keeps going. On repeat.

I'm okay, and then I'm not. I'm one, and then I'm two.

I don't know who I am anymore, I don't know what I want. I'm so fucking confused and the relationships I'm developing only make it worse.

I wasn't built to be social. I wasn't made to connect with other people. It fucking hurts and it's too much for me. I'm a screw that doesn't fit in any hole.
I can keep my distance and laugh at the right times and even sometimes feel like "yeah, I've made a connection here"
but I'm a fucking schizoid.


That's how I feel when I'm in two pieces.


I don't feel like that when I'm whole. But I'm only whole half of the time!

A quarter of it!

I don't know what the fuck to do anymore.

I don't know what kind of life I want to make for myself, or if I want to make any sort of life at all.

I'm here today at 20, but that doesn't mean I'll be here at 23.
I haven't found a reason to die, but that doesn't mean I've found a reason to live, either.

I never wanted to move out, start a career, meet someone, settle down, start a family...
I still don't. This is the American Dream; the idealized life style of so many humans; and I don't get why. Nothing in that seems alluring...it all seems rather frightening, to me.

That's one path I don't want to go down...but, the problem is, I don't know which direction I want to go in, or if I want to go in any at all.

Because staying here means staying in this skin. I still hate this body; it's still the physical representation of everything that is wrong with me. Everything that I hate about myself is displayed in my physical features.

I have to either learn to live with myself, or make the grand exit.